merry christmas

24Dec09

so 2009 is going to come to an end soon, but before it does come to an end, there’s this huge thing to celebrate- CHRISTMAS!!!

christmas to me, has always been about love. time and time again i get corrected by a lot of self-righteous christians who for some reason must correct my definition of what christmas is about. but i dont think christmas has a cut out definition or whatever, i think it boils down to personal belief. and so i dont think its right to condemn others for celebrating christmas the way they do. i also dont think its right to ruin such a beautiful celebration by trying to be the christmas police. and i certainly dont think its right to belittle such a beautiful celebration by going all anti-christmas just because you arent allowed to celebrate it.

so the other day i went on facebook and found another reason why i should never approve my collegemates as my ‘friends’. because it pisses me off almost everytime i see the ignorant “i-am-better-than-thou” posts.

christmas, and all celebrations, to me at least, is about open-ness. its about accepting changes and new people, while keeping the remaining people close to your heart. and i’m sorry for being so childish but i actually think there’s something very magical about christmas. it just makes me feel all warm inside thinking of christmas or even listening to christmas songs(haha..ha..ha.. i actually listen to christmas songs all year around).

so of course i was so angry that for the first time, there  are actually anti-christmas people and OHMIGOD they’re trying to spread the anti-ness. so this kmb-ian right, her status update went something along the lines of “remember allah, dont celebrate or spread christmas!”(in malay of course). and seriously i dont know how you can even bring yourself to type out something as shallow as that. because it signifies how you’re only open to YOUR celebrations, and how you believe that your way of life is the only way to go. and how can you even type out something as insensitive or as grinch-ey as that.

so as a message to those who are out there spreading the anti-christmas feeling, im asking you guys to stop. christmas is this really magical celebration that a lot of people believe in, so please dont attempt to dampen the mood. accepting the fact that there are people different from you, and that there are other beliefs than your own does not mean that you are believing in those very beliefs.

sorry i got carried away by that. so anyway, christmas! haha i just watched the best christmas movies ever(home alone and love actually), and im even more in the christmas mood..

and because love is all around ;

hehe merry christmas everyone! i hope everyone has a gooooooood one <3

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so,now what?

15Dec09

i’m finally here and a number of things are different from how it was last year.

after spending six months away from home, and only having the weekends with my family(which i hardly utilise properly because i use it for catching up with old friends), this time around ive been spending a lot of time with my family. i cant believe ive missed so much of my brothers’ lives and it only scares me to think of how much more ill miss.

the friends from seisen international school have already graduated and left japan, or are still busy with application processes. so many people have left, and without them i feel as if im missing so much of japan which i discovered last year.

last year, i think i was overwhelmed by everything. it was the first time i had to do things by myself, and the first time i was totally responsible for everything i did. i had to go places by myself, get lost by myself, find my way back to designated location by myself, eat by myself, find food by myself, find ways to get food by myself, you get my drift. i was earning my own money and it felt good to spend what  i earned. basically i was this totally different girl than i am right now. i guess circumstances push you to be someone totally different. so many of my colleagues last year had a hard time believing that i was just seventeen and fresh out of high school, and opposed to that, in malaysia im just letting my mummy handle everything for me.

haha i remember getting so overwhelmed by everything tokyo had to offer that i took every opportunity that came my way. i went to every party there was to attend, every club opening there was, taught at every teaching slot i could and went to places i never thought existed. and dont even get me started on the flings and dates i had- lets just say it was enough to last me for a while. i think ive mellowed down since then.. the other day i got a text from shiina inviting me for a goukon and i didnt even go. i didnt even feel like going.

that aside, im glad to see that japan as a whole still remains the same. cold weather. courteous people. expensive shit. bubble baths. amazing deco. crowded trains. lonely train stations. warm toilet seats. starbucks in 7-11. striped scarves.

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time together isn’t ever quite enough

05Dec09

so in the midst of semester exam stress induced by all the kiasu people around me, i took everything small and made it bigger than it was just so i’d be happy!

can you see the rainbow?!? it was a RAINBOW in KMB! i was so happy and i just started jumping up and down and shrieking at nad because it was a rainbow in KMB! i mean, its the equivalent of seeing it rain in the sahara desert! kmb’s like this land of negative feelings and negative people, so seeing a rainbow there was just-whoa. i made it such a huge deal that when i told the exception about it, he just went all “whats the big deal?”.

i’ve discovered the existence of INSTANT MASH POTATOES! and the mash potatoes made my day okay, seriously. being able to eat mash potatoes in a place where all you get is fried fish/fried chicken(haha..ha..ha i wouldnt know, seeing how i never go to the DS to eat) is the best feeling when you’re hungry. again, u can totally tell that im exaggerating but whatever.. i need to exaggerate the simple things that made me happy.

and then there’s the midnight gossip sessions with the people of blockD. haha its so funny because i went to jacintha’s room which is like 3 doors away from mine to look for her, and her roommate said “oh she isnt in lah, she went to de-stress herself”. and i IMMEDIATELY knew she’d be in fi’s room. haha and true enough, both she and elynn were there. spent the next hour gossiping about weird kmb-ians, and imaginary make-out sessions and all sorts of nonsense.

which brings me to the next thing that made me happy. JACOB.BLACK! ohmigod to take a break from chemistry, elynn youtube-d jacob black videos. and whoa his body . whoaaa he totally gave me an orgasm haha. and we started screaming when his body was all wet when he was saving bella. whoa he hit my g-spot. and then we spent the next hour talking about orgasms and concluded that less than half the population in kmb would know what an orgasm was.

then i had an epiphany, that it was JUSTTT the semester exams. and stressing over it just because everyone around me was doing the same, it just wasnt who i was. good grief, im kei. this is so not me okay. haha and it took my father to bring me to this sudden realisation. i <3 my daddy! i kept calling him and complaining about how the stupid nerds kept giving me wrong information on purpose, and how basically most of the people were too intense and i hated it, i hated how kiasu everyone was. and he said ” aiyo just pass enough lah. you havent been studying since u got there, so even if u stress yourself out now and study tonight, its not gonna make a difference.”  HAHAHA and the next morning before my chemistry paper, i got a text from him – “i know u are more than what ur grades say princess. all the best and daddy loves you.”. yes my father calls me princess okay shut up. i was so happy getting that text that i started missing him so much

and even after the paper finished, i was surrounded by all these intense people who kept comparing answers and argue-ing about which answers were correct AFTER the paper was already over. good grief i couldnt take it and i just wanted to get away from everyone so i went to the toilet. on the way back from the toilet, i coincidentally bumped into the exception and i immediately became all cheery and happy again.

looking back, it was actually a pretty good week i gotta start this habit of being able to enlargen any small ounce of happiness because it makes me feel infinitely happier.

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dear seventeen year old kei,

25Nov09

you’re going to turn eighteen, and guess what? turning eighteen wasnt all that it was made out to be. this legal age, its not that bad, but all the heightened expectations came crashing down with the ugly truth that is reality.

after all the skipping you did in high school, you’ll be surprised to know how much you’ll actually come to miss it. speaking of school, there’s no need to join in the race of ‘who-studied-more-for-spm’. you might want to push yourself harder, and forgo more precious things, but there’s no need to. u might not have fulfilled your full potential, but u did fine -not perfect, but good enough. ur going to realise that there’s more to high school than that damn certificate, and so u wont regret spending(wasting) your time the way you did.

you’ll also fail your driving test twice, but its not like you’ll put your license to good use. a week after finally getting the license, you’re going to carelessly change lanes without looking into your rearview mirror, and you’ll have your first car crash. im exaggerating, it was actually barely a crash(though your side mirror was compromised). you’ll get to places fine though, thanks to the friends you have who actually can drive.

also, try to refrain from going to taylors hartamas for lunch because your college life will be nothing like that and so going there for lunch will just make you more miserable.

you’ll go for a scholarship interview and end up talking non stop about so much irrelevent things(“nobody thinks i can make it as a doctor because im actually very lazy and clumsy. there was once i actually walked straight into a glass wall thinking there was no wall. i think ill make a good doctor because im good at connecting with people, due to my ability to talk excessively”)  that you thought you lost all hope at getting that damn scholarship. but you actually got that scholarship, so dont bother getting all excited about schooling in japan, and there’s no need to prepare to leave.

you’ll expect the worst birthday ever away from home. you cant be too selfish though, seeing as how you got the best surprise for your seventeenth birthday. in hindsight, the birthday wasnt all that bad, thanks to the new friends you made in college.

oh, stop thinking you’re forgotten. you got three birthday celebrations,and it was more than you thought you’d get.

ah, college(more like school). stay strong, because you’re going to be so disappointed with everything and everyone there. you’ll face judgements, and people will talk to you as if you’re lower than them. but do your own thing, and stay modest because there’s no need to shout out your achievements. you know that you’re so much more than what they think of you.

time will pass and you will get more and more jaded by the day, but remember to keep an open heart. you’ll be infinitely happier elsewhere, but you’ll be surprised at what you are going to find at the ‘college’. you’ll find a guy who manages to make you happy there, and certain people who make pretty good company.

keep in mind that real friends dont intend to hurt you, and so you can let go of that friend who intentionally did it. karma will do its magic you wont be as affected as you thought you’d be without her. you’re better off, and you’ll soon forget about what happened.

you’ll eat instant noodles so much that you’ll get sick of it.

there will be days that you’ll be clouded by so much pessimism and negativity, but just know that everything turns out fine. you’ll be fine.

till next time.

love,

eighteen year old kei.

Filed under: deep reflecting, random thoughts   |  7 Comments

you’ve got me laughing while i sing

22Nov09

ive gotten so used to the idea of flings that i started to develop this phobia for commitment. i considered it a good thing because it meant i could have fun without the suffocating, and somehow the ‘no strings attached’ gave me ample space to be myself.

and also because ive had relationships that seemed(read: using words to make it seem more than it was, when underneath the surface there was nothing) like it was more than a fling, and comparing it with the flings ive had, i realised i was way happier in the latter.  i loved how i wasnt obliged to say/feel/do anything in flings, and i loved how it was just two people having fun together, two people getting excited at the prospect of getting to know each other.

i really liked gymguy, but it was nothing more than a fling and i think that was what made it good. there were no unfair expectations, no complicated feelings, and no saying stuff just to make the other party happy. i saw how my friends were in relationships past the fling phase, and i knew i wouldnt like being in something like that. hello? i hated it when the guy would text me when i was out with my friends, i hated the unwritten rule about how i have to share stuff with him before sharing it with my friends, i hated him clinging on to me, i hated the stupid expectations(but why do i have to call/see you?!) , you get my drift. it was all so confining and it totally wouldnt give me time to breathe, to do some self reflecting, and to be myself.

but somewhere along the way, i found myself going past the fling phase. and its with the worst person to be in a real relationship with. someone who was as commitment phobic as me, someone who has trouble with getting personal, basically everything that i was. but amazingly, it works.  i have this really nice relationship without feeling obliged to say/feel/do anything, i have my own space to breathe, i can do some self reflecting, i dont have to forsake the growth of my friendships. i dont hang out with him because he’s my boyfriend,i do it because i genuinely like his company. he surprises me, and being with him, i surprise myself sometimes.

i’m happy

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so maybe i am spoilt

17Nov09

so the past week has been a tough one, basically caused by all the reflecting ive been doing. to be honest, i dont like the person that ive become since coming here- i dont like how jaded ive become and how i hardly talk right now.

the other day, i met up with this guy i dated for a while and he commented that my eyes dont sparkle the way it used to. pfft i obviously retorted by saying something along the lines of “whatever lah u trying to compliment how my eyes used to sparkle isit!” and he said i used to be so full of life and i used to talk so excitedly about the smallest things, and now ive just become so..jaded.

now dont get me wrong, im not blaming this place because the old kei wouldve been able to make the most out of it. the seventeen year old me would’ve come up with all these stupid imaginative far fetched scenes to think about, the seventeen year old me would be making fun of random things around me just to laugh, the seventeen year old wouldve struck a conversation with the most random person just to be entertained, the seventeen year old me would have giggled randomly when thinking of something funny that happened ages ago, the seventeen year old me would have….. well you get my drift.

i think its partly because i’m so tired of small talk, i’m so tired of getting even remotely close to someone here only to realise a pet peeve about him/her that i’ve overlooked. there was the guy i actually thought i could be myself around but then he started being all judgemental,self-righteous and in every conversation it felt like he was belittling me. and then there’s the guy i got super close to, only to realise how selfish and how he practised the whole “every man for himself” concept. and then there’s the girl who i trusted but as time went on, i saw how the way she treated me contradicted the fact that she was supposed to be a ‘friend’. so you see, in the span of five months, i’ve been faced with so many disappointments. so many empty promises and expectations that im no longer in the mood to make an effort anymore.

ive also been getting a lot of comments saying how spoilt i am. so obviously i denied it because, hello? there are way more spoilt girls out there. its not like im showered with wealth and make it a point to show off my wealth, nor am i some high maintainence chick. but then i realised that i AM spoilt in the sense that ive been showered by unconditional love my whole life. all my life ive had amazing people who would do practically anything for me, amazing people who set the bar too high for everyone else who will come into my life after them. so maybe it is me, all those disappointing experiences ive had the past five months. maybe its just because ive unfairly imposed such high expectations on what they should do and how they should treat me.

and maybe because ive not yet gotten used to how things work around here. i met up with the high school gang the other day and it was just so liberating to be with them. i could talk about anything without controlling what i should or should not say, i could tell them anything without worrying about whether they would end up judging me or not, and you get my drift lah. maybe its because we’ve known each other for so long and so we’ve gotten to the stage where we accept each other for who we are, and so we dismiss anything wrong we do by thinking/saying  ”aiyo its just how she/he is lahh”.

so anyway, im ending this very emo post with happy pictures.

 

hall of ‘fame’! spot yourselves . this, my friends, is what keeps me going everytime im falling apart here.

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gimme a best friend as my roommate

09Nov09

/whiny rant mode on

so ill tell you what the situation is like right now.

for the first time, i FINALLY have the mood to do some math. like, FINALLY.

and i can’t even stay concentrated more than 5 seconds because ITS SO LOUD AND NOISY IN MY ROOM. its the equivalent to studying in some dodgy cina club i tell you.

my very ‘considerate’ roommate is playing her chinese techno songs at FULL VOLUME.

good grief i hate it when she acts as if she’s the only one in the room. i mean, i obviously do not want to listen to chinese techno songs when i’m doing math. especially not at FULL VOLUME.

//whiny rant off.

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aww-inducing moments

03Nov09

other than shower being my therapy, i also have this slight obsession with chick flicks. everytime i feel like im falling apart or when i just need to feel positive again, i look for a chick flick to watch. haha there’s just something about chick flicks- the predictibility of the storyline(who falls in love with who), the happy ending and THE SWEET MOMENTS IN IT. so my top AWWW inducing movie moments are(in no particular order).

oh but before i start, i must say that the ugly truth is by far the best movie of the year. gimme ugly truth over transformer anytime! it has the humor, the cocky/confident guy you end up loving, and the witty lines. the first time i watched it in the cinema with kim/wenn/june, we couldnt stop laughing. and i watched it again only to end up laughing more, and this hardly happens with chick flicks because most of the time the jokes are a one-time funny thing. watched it in the cinema again, and after watching it like 3 times in the cinema i just bought the dvd because i knew id want to watch it everytime im falling apart. which happens quite often here in this ridiculous college if you ask me.

so yeah, aww inducing moments.

ugly truth( hot air balloon scene)

i dont know about you, but i personally find cocky/emotionless/commitment phobic guys very appealing because when they actually fall for me, i get this very big sense of accomplishment. *proud. i thought it was so sweet when gerald butler ran to katherine heigl’s balloon to prove her wrong, and it was sweeter because they were STILL dysfunctional in the hot air balloon. i think it was even sweeter when he told her he loved her in a very acceptable(read:non-corny/overrated) way. i love how they argued and how he kissed her in the end just to shut her up. so as a tribute to my newfound favourite movie, this was the first aww inducing scene i thought of!

Beauty and the beast(Library scene)

this isn’t a chick flick but its one of my favourite aww-inducing scene. i spend so much money on books, and i can actually stay for hours in borders just to choose a book. when i was younger, my parents used to shop a lot at bsc and they used to just drop me at times and ill actually finish reading a book. haha those hard-covered enid blyton books lah, u think i can finish a super thick book in a few hours isit! so this is one of the best scenes out there because when he gave her the library, i can almost relate to how happy she felt. gimme a guy who would buy me a library pls.. whoa i can get an orgasm thinking of a guy giving me my very own library.

Gossip girl(chuck bass scenes)

again with the whole feeling accomplished when you manage to snag the guy who is almost incapable of falling in love. i think scenes where chuck bass does something sweet is very aww-inducing because he’s the last guy you’d expect to do sweet things. i couldnt choose between my two favourite chuck bass moments so i’m gonna mention both of them here. the first was in season 3 when he and blair officially started dating and they were scared they’d get bored of each other so they came up with this game. basically chuck would flirt with a random girl who blair chooses, and blair would come in the exact moment the random girl starts coming onto chuck. maybe its because somehow i like how dysfunctional they are, but i absolutely love love love the way they played the game but still didnt take things personally.  and the other chuck bass scene i love was towards the end of season 2 when chuck totally disappeared without telling blair, and blair almost gave up on chuck. so she heard how he went to europe and when she thought he was still in europe, she was walking in the streets one day and saw chuck outside his limo. after asking him in this totally sarcastic tone about what he’s doing back so soon, he takes out her gifts one by one. gifts meaning, her favourite macaroons from paris and her favourite stockings from germany. reason being, everywhere he went, she caught up with him. maybe i’m bias because i love gossip girl, but i still think its an aww-inducing scene!

A walk to remember(two places at once scene)

haha i thought it was super sweet that he helped her cross out one thing off her “before i die” list. ahh sorry my memory with this is very rusty, because its been ages since i watched the movie. but i think it goes something like, he brings her to the border between two states and asked her to put her feet wide apart. so she’s literally in two places at the same time . so smart! haha i feel like making my own “before i die” list and intentionally showing it to a guy im dating just so he’ll help me cross out things..

so there’s my all time favourite aww-inducing moments.

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this coming from a commitment phobic girl

02Nov09

i’ve come to a conclusion that i have this thing for nice scents. well duh, nobody likes smelly things. but mine is to a point where i have a thing for guys who smell good. there’s just something very comforting with the familiarity of certain smells.

i dont know if its just me and my overly sensitive nose, but sometimes i can smell WATER. i mean, how does that happen? haha.. like the water in my house is perfect, and the water from the water cooler in my college smells like swimming pool/chlorine. and there was this time i drank water from someone’s bottle and it smelt like fish =/.

and everytime someone farts, i am always the first to detect the smell. but the very unpleasant smells aside, i think having this overly sensitive nose has its upside .

i immediately stamp a memory to each scent i smell. my grandmother’s house in japan smells like this mixture of wood and detergent, and i can smell it all the way from malaysia sometimes when she sends me parcels. everytime i use my yellow dettol soap, i think of last year when i used to go to the gym everyday-not because i used it in the gym but because i started using that soap the same time i met japboy and hence going to the gym everyday.

the other day, i caught a whiff of this very familiar cologne and i just couldnt help but to look around to see where it was coming from.. god it was so annoying, not being able to place where i smelt the exact same cologne. it was almost as bad as seeing a familiar face in a movie, but not being able to figure out where you’ve seen that actress/actor act before. i couldnt find out who used that cologne, but i did remember why it was so familiar; it was the same cologne that this guy i used to date used.

its actually quite funny, how i have this phobia with commitment but then i get commited to the scents of all the people that came into my life. its this thing i do when i meet someone new; that person becomes the boy who smells like herbal tea, or the girl who smells like shisha.

maybe thats why i have short term memory loss everytime im down with the flu 0_o

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post spm blues

01Nov09

with the form 5’s of this year counting down the days till spm, i cant help but to feel all nostalgic.

 HAS IT REALLY BEEN A YEAR SINCE I SAT FOR SPM?!

there’s just too many things i miss about spm(ha ha…ha), having a second home was one of it. i miss how starbucks mont kiara was my second home because i would always gain my studying mojo there, and i miss the baristas there so much!

i still think that the starbucks baristas are amazing-they just have this way of making you feel so welcome. so the other day when i was back at home(which happens every week actually), i just had this strong urge to revisit my ex-second home. walked in and i saw this girl in her twenties sitting down on the seat i always sat on. does she know that if you lean your body to the right, you get a perfect view of everything happening outside especially on thursdays and weekends when the flea market is happening.perfect people-watching spot. does she know that its the best spot to use your laptop because its right next to the plug point? its also the best spot because its the only place you get to observe everyone in starbucks without making an effort- none of the angling your head to an awkward position to look to your right or left. does she realise how comfy the seats are and how you can actually put your feet up comfortably while leaning against the glass wall? hehehe i giggle childishly at the thought that there’s someone else who may feel the same way i did about that seat. take care of the seat, stranger

i remember the first time i sat down on that seat, and how i kept going back to the exact same seat because i just felt so comfortable there. not just literally but there was something about that place. so anyway, back to the aforementioned baristas.. they actually remembered me! they were like “are you the girl who kept coming here to study? i remember there was once u stayed the whole day.how did u end up doing for spm anyway?” haha this is why starbucks>coffee bean hands down.

surprisingly, i didnt have that territorial grudge against that woman the same way i have against people who use MY bathroom cubicle in college./pouts. so i sat down and lo behold, there were these two girls studying for spm.

i had that same book! success additional mathematics spm.. which reminds me, miss yuen should be so proud of me for getting an A1.i miss her and how she always had the highest disdain for me, yet she still layan-ed me and never held grudges against me for not doing anything in her class haha.

so back to those girls.. i know what they’re discussing! it totally took me the longest time to understand the stupid differentiation stuff and i was so tempted to peek at the question to test if i could still do it after all those questions i did last minute.

i miss the familiarity of everything; i guess it really has been a year since i took spm.

haha the funniest part was when i look back at our pictures, and i think about school, i really cannot remember studying at all. all we did was sit in a circle and talk about the most random things, and play football with the paper ball. i guess we studied at home and came to school to fool around

i cant believe i have no camwhoring pics in starbucks! after all the hours(and cash) i spent there.

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